'i've been in and out and back into love again. it's been real and unreal, and i've been lied to and hurt, and its all still felt so real and unreal. that's always what is on my mind. Love, that is.' i hate it. i want a perfect relationship, i want to prove to myself that i can end up happy with someone and not like my parents. i have little patience and haven't wanted children but now i do just so i can make sure there is atleast one child that will succeed and not end up like me. i guess i want to live vicariously through my offspring, if one were to occur. there's a chance i could be pregnant now, its just that unsafe and irresponsible sex that gets ever other person in trouble. i hope i'm not though, it wouldn't be fair to the possible life more so than to me. i drink too much anyway, chances are it'd form in a sac of alcohol. how mortifyingly nauseating to think that's even an option. i can't seem to stay on track with anything. i can't seem to stay committed, or even get motivated for that matter, to anything... except for maybe failure. fuck, i can't even stay committed to. i haven't ever been so lost in my life. i've always thought i had my head on straight and i used to be so sure of myself and who i was but as of present, i have absolutely no idea who i am. i'm not smart anymore. i'm lazy and unmotivated. i'm unconfident and incompetent. my selfesteem has sunken into near nonexistence. i can't find myself good enough for anyone and when someone does show interest i shy away immediately, or lead them on and then fade away because i'm so terrified they won't think i'm physically attractive enough, or smart enough. or find the fact that i'm no where near where i should be in life a turnoff and forget about me and leave me. i need to put my energy on facts and not feelings. use my head not my heart. i need to put myself first. its just so hard when i'm what's hurting myself. i'm my own worst enemy. and i've always thought that phrase annoying until now. i get in completely. not only am i do disappointed in myself but now all of my surroundings are too. there's a good chance that i'm falling for my bestfriend. he's the one person i feel safest around. maybe i'm just scared for him. it just feels too unfamiliar to say i'm possibly falling for him. i'm not writing this for anyone but myself. i need to get things in order. i need to make my life healthy because right now i'm heading no where, and i want it to end if something doesn't turn around for the better. the worst part is that i did all of this to myself. i let myself go. i became nice and got stepped over. i trusted too easily and lost site of caution. i hadn't ever been hurt and after i had it through me for a whirlwind. and then i was back on my feet, was lied to so well, and now i'm worse than ever. i let my own dreams get in the way of reality. i let living in the moment get in the way of turning those dreams into a reality. i let my feelings get in the way of my logic. and right now i need to keep in mind that what's concrete needs to come first before anything luxurious such as love and parties. jobs before high heels and fantastic dresses. sleep before flawless beauty. exercise before a good body. school before future. smarts against time. i want to write down all of my mistakes and what i would've done differently just so i can try to teach anyone how not to fail miserably like i have. i went from being in honors every report card , uil, and becoming a scholar to getting ahead of myself, and in the way of myself causing me to deny the importance of school and not appreciate what i had. i regret it so much. i'm a near-alcoholic and i steal from stores if i believe i can get away with it. i'm unemployed and have nothing vitally important to my name. i'm not worth anything. i'm only first on my bestfriend's list. and i appreciate that so much. i love that i have atleast her, but to everyone else, i doubt i'm even in the top 5. and it really hurts. what's wrong with me? i just need to work on myself, starting now. i just need help. which costs money. i wanna go someplace far away where no one knows me so i can just clear my head. i want to be someplace where people Want to know me. i miss that so much, being wanted. being popular, not just by association, but because people wanted to be around me. i miss being the funny one. i miss being the funny one with the innovative look. i miss being those and happy and free spirited and completely content... when in all actuality, those three listed things were great contributors to my downfall. then drinking showed its euphoria to me. then everything else became postponed. i just wanted a break. in my mind all i had were goodtimes and time. now i am what little i am. and all this goes to show good feelings are just luxuries. they're rewards. i guess you knew all of this already. i did too, but i live on hope and what makes me happy at the moment, and let that get in the way of my common sense, good judgement, and my intuition. i don;t want to do that anymore. i want to find the best of myself. that's what i need. i'm at rockbottom. i don't have anyone but my destroyed self, or anything but caring people's inactioned words. | 
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